How am I doing?

Woudln’t you like to know how do I feel after moving all the way across the world with my husband and 2 babies, strugling to find a job for 7 months, finding an apartment in one week, moving AGAIN and going back to work after so long?

I know I would.

But I don’t have time process that. I do know I’m nervous and scared. I shiver when I get home and my stomach aches during the day. but I have no time to think about that. I just watch the rashes erupt as a reminder that I’m going through lots of changes all at the same time.

I just scratch them hard, as I try to familiarize with the new place, the new furniture and all the things around me that don’t make me feel at home at all.

It’s a perfect place and I would never consider going back, but I’m still far away from feeling safe.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night I wake up and it takes me a while to understand where I am. I keep thinking ” What place is this? Am I back in Brazil?”.

I tend to do that. Waking up very, very disoriented, I mean.

The other day I dreamt I had 3 babies. I opened my eyes, probably still sleeping, and found myself desperately looking around the bed, trying to find my 3rd baby. It must have taken me a few seconds to actually wake up properly and realize I had in fact only two babies and it had always been that way.

I don’t enjoy the way my mind works. Even when everything is fine, I still get panic attacks.

But I’m a mom now and there’s no one around to help us, so, I’ve lost my right to freak out. It’s dinner time, bath time, time to put them to bed, way pass my own bed time and time to go to work again. That’s all there is to it.

It’s lunch time now and I’ve chosen to write this instead. I was hoping I would begin to understand why I am still so nervous and afraid. I’m not sure it worked at all, but it’s nice to think about myself for a while.

You need time to process changes. Even the good ones. But I have no time to do that.

Stop it, mom! I’m 33!

Do you ever feel like disappearing? Not vanishing from the world, no. Disappearing from your parent’s cell phone range, I mean. Even though you’re an adult. Am I the only one?

I know I’m pretty close to my parents and part of that is due to the fact that we still live with them (6 days to go). But even back during architecture school when I actually had my own apartment (but almost never spent the night there) I still felt like I owned my parents a overwhelming amount of satisfaction.

I remember this one saturday when I was so tired I wanted to sleep for 40 hours. But I couldn’t! My mom called 27 times (for real) until I got up, got in the bus and went back home. She does that a lot. “Are you gonna sleep all day?” Well, yes. We all deserve to sleep for an entire day every once in a decade. It’s a reward.

She needs to know everything. EVERYTHING. I left a little red paper over the table one day and said to my husband “the first thing my mom is gonna say when she walks into the house is going to be “WHAT’S THAT? THAT’S NEW!”. And I was right. There’s no keeping secrets from her. There’s no keeping nothing from her. She actually found out that I was pregnant before I did. She called me and gave me my own news. That’s messed up.

So, yeah, I am going to miss my dad a lot. But am I a horrible, terrible, mean person for saying I’m glad I’m gonna take a long breath and feel a little lighter for not having to report everything back to my mom after 33 years?

I have tried to run away before, believe me. But it never seemed to work. I wanna open my window to a snow scenery, play with my kids and kiss my husband. I can’t wait until it’s just the 4 of us.

She’s already synchronized our iphones and learned to facetime, of course. – She’s not the technology love, so, this IS a big thing in her world-.

I know she’s going to miss the girls, but I need the quiet.

So, yes. Sometimes I’m happy about leaving and sometimes I’m crying. Maybe I’ve gone bipolar after all… or maybe there just really are pros and cons to it!