“That” stage

This is how I pictured motherhood would be like: Me, right here, writing on this blog as the kids played around. You know, me doing my thing… them, doing their thing. As I remembered doing it when I was a child.

It sure took a while and the sleep deprivation nearly got me to the edge of my mental health (that’s actually a lie, I went far beyond the edge) but I think we are here.

We are at that stage where the kids wanna play with each other, even though they still want our attention.

At this point, we can actually take them for a ride. They won’t be screaming, trying to get  off the car seat, vomiting, driving us crazy…. and I won’t be sitting in the back with them.

We can also do fun stuff together like play games.

They no longer make me nervous that they might need to be breast fed at the same time or throw up at the same time. Be burped at the same time. God.

No wonder I’m traumatized. Even remembering it makes kinda shaky.

But now, we are at that stage where I actually have so much time for myself (like, a whole hour)  I barely know how to handle it. I am so used to taking short showers and running somewhere that I forgot (I absolutely forgot) how to relax.

It sounds like something fun to learn again, though.

I am happy we are at this stage today.

IMG_1855

It’s never too late to start again, take another breath and say another prayer.

reddivider

Like some humans, I have a constant need to be heading somewhere. I am not cut out for the whole “sitting at the porch and waiting for death”  routine. In fact, I am not cut out for routine at all.

As I look at the people around me I cannot imagine how it’s possible that some of them have been coming to the same building, staring at the same desk, and doing the same choirs for over 10 years.

Go to work, go home; Go to work, go home. Repeat a few times. Die. Is that it?

If I were God, I’d interfere… specially since this killer routine refers to the lucky people on this Earth. The ones who have a job and a home to go to.

Shit, that’s messed up. – on my humble opinion.

I wish we could all just wake up every day and think “what kind of exciting new adventure are we having today?” you know… probably the way rich people live – until they realize it’s all so easy and  start doing drugs. But that’s not what I’m writing about today.

Well, I obviously am not rich, so let’s cross that off of my list…

Instead, I decided to make a plan for the future. Not the “one day I might…” kind of future, but this year’s future. I made that decision the other day when I got home and realized life was kind of all figured out and I wasn’t that excited about it.

I was very thankful we were all healthy and happy. Don’t get me wrong! I am oh-so-thankful. Yet, I was surprisingly  bored.

I had had my beautiful daughters, moved to another country, got a pretty decent job, we moved to our first real house (not a basement anymore!) and we finally got a car.

Now what?

 

I set on the couch and stared at the wall. For some reason I couldn’t enjoy the quiet. I was not quiet inside. I wanted to jump, explore, go somewhere, change the world, bake a cake… just figure out where I was going next! There was no way that couch was my final destination in life even though it was a pretty nice couch with everyone I loved around me. I could stare at my girls forever, but I also wanted to enjoy the ride a little bit more… since we had been blessed with a pretty smooth ride.

I decided I’d learn a new language and visit the oh-so-beautiful French speaking cities in Canada. Who knows… maybe it’ll be love at first sight and we’ll end up moving there.

Hey, Shell… are you projecting your problems into the city you live and thinking that by moving away oh-so-many times you won’t bring your problems with you?

Well, dear reader… I have thought about that and the answer is ” not really”.

I was very excited to leave Brazil and then very excited to leave Ajax. If I couldn’t move anymore I would definitely stay in Ottawa. It is by far the best place we have lived (taking in consideration stuff that is important to our family and  other families might think differently). We are learning about a new place and we have the “privilege” to be alone here, which allows us to move around without having to cut any strings.

For as beautiful as downtown Ottawa is, it does not compare – to me – to Montreal or Quebec. I do like it a LOT better than Toronto… but I’m not in love.

I wanna be in love! And it looks pretty easy… look:

 

The architect inside be needs to be around very, very old and warm looking buildings and the husband put his foot down on the whole moving to Europe idea (we are greatly afraid of the upcoming world war =/ )… so, that’s it. I need to see it. I need to fall in love with a place before I write our story there. Explore, until we find our new home. Start over. Delete the old entries on this blog.

Sounds like a plan to me!

What will you be doing next?