That time I heard voices

It is not on my resume that I am a very quick decision-maker.

In fact, I believe I am 100% incapable of making decisions because I overthink things.

Still, we might all be here to evolve and become a better soul… therefore, my mission on this incarnation CLEARLY is to learn how to make decisions.

So, I have decided that we’ll be leaving Ottawa. Well, unless I can’t find a job in one of the 2 cities I’m inclined to move in to. On that case, we are staying in Ottawa.

Ok, so that’s decision 1.

Decision two is we are moving to Quebec city. Unless I get a job in Montreal that is SO-COOL I just need to move there.

The thing is Montreal is pretty amazing. It’s very well located and the possibilities are endless.

But Quebec city feels a lot like home. A lot of the vibe I was looking for. I feel like I can just lay on my couch there and be happy ’cause there’s no place else in the world I’d rather be.

Now, get ready for the weird part.

Seriously, it’s gonna be weird.

I got a job interview in Quebec city, where I wanted to go, right? And suddently I had a VERY strong feeling saying “DON’T GO”.

I do not know where it came from. I tried to think and think and understand why I was feeling that, but the moment I cancelled the interview, I was fine.

“There is a wise spirit guiding you” – my kardecist friend tells me.

“It was an angel” – said the catholic

“You are little schizophrenic” – said the psychiatrist

Truth is… I don’t know. And it’s gone now.

A couple days later I got another phone call with a better job offer and I felt no fear. No voice telling me not to take it. No nothing. Well, nothing except a very strong will to go there!

So, I am waiting for a magical phone call that may or may not happen but I am happy I heard a spirt, an angel or that I am, in fact schizophrenic … for as much as I am terrible at making  decisions, I can always trust that I’ll feel when they are right.

I’ll start over 1000 times.

I feel better.

I do!

Which is not really a surprise considering there was nothing exactly wrong before, except for my fear that something could go wrong…

Pretty complex. I know. I have a beautiful mind, thank you.

So, I am learning to enjoy life without being afraid. Without feeling guilty that apparently no one else gets it their way but me. Specially since… that’s not really true. I wanna thank the girls who married Hanson and had an enormous number of beautiful, healthy children for reminding me of that every day, actually.

not afraid macaulay

So, I don’t wanna keep reading about the confusing, blurred, scary days!

Therefore, I’ll hide my old posts. (most of them) Hence, the giant gaps between posts.

Let’s hit refresh.

Once again.

And I’ll bring them back when I’m ready.

Or not.

Life is about starting over, reinventing yourself.

Statisticaly, the more you a appreciate life, the less it comes back and kick you… right there.

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Let’s try that. For today. You might be a little less prone to be screwed if you do.

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A thank you letter to the 3 boys I never met.

When I was 16 years old,  I had a small collection of Hanson singles. One day, I came home from school and they were all broken.

It had been my mom.

She was desperate to see the daughter that she, for some reason considered to be brilliant, going down that wrong road. “Where are you going with this?” she’d say to me.

See, I was not allowed to listen to music. ‘Cause music was for people in love and I was not supposed to fall in love, I should focus on studying. So these kids came along, and she thought their music could only be about ya know… kid stuff. Therefore, I could listen to it.

But as she saw how much time I’d spend in front of the computer because of them, she didn’t approve it so much anymore. Heck, she didn’t approve it at all.

Still, I insisted on listening to them. I built a Hanson website, I learned English and I became an architect under their influence.

Later, I came to Canada, because I could speak the English I had learned from their songs, I got a decent job mostly because of the stuff I learned while keeping my Hanson website up and, 2 days ago, I finally, for the first time, was at the first row of a Hanson concert.

And just ’cause the world goes round (and I had no place to “leave her”) … my mom was standing right next to me on that front row.

She was proud of the person I had become because of the 3 boys I never met and I wanted to thank them so much! I wanted them to know that they’ve made everything possible but it’d probably sound so random and empty if I ever did. So, I came here (and it doesn’t look like it, but I really DID keep this short)

I guess we all have our Hanson stories…

I find mine pretty ironic.

Thanks for Everything, Isaac, Taylor & Zac. I can honestly say you made me who I am today.

I refuse to be angry.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no Ned Flanders.

Homer-Listening-to-Flanders

But I still want to reserve myself the right to refuse to be too angry from now on. And I don’t mean hating the door nob when I bang my elbow against it.  I mean feeling what I felt a couple weeks ago – Read here.

Going to bed and waking up STILL angry was such a terrible experience! I could feel it changing my body. It made my stomach hurt, my mind was blurred and everything was bitter. I didn’t eat at all and my girl’s tummies were *funny* (if you know what I mean). They were nervous too. They felt it.

I hated it.

It got me wondering HOW CAN SOME PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS CONSTANTLY? How can someone just handle so much hate? Doesn’t your body react to that? I mean, don’t you eventually DIE from anger?

Actually, yes, you do. Just like the Monks don’t get cancer or Alzheimer’s or heart attacks – read here – , angry people make themselves sick. (Well, not that ANGER is the cause of these nasty things 100% of the time, duh. But there IS a real percentage of cases attributed to it.)

I am not surprised at all. It was a terrible, terrible feeling… no wonder your body gets exhausted trying to keep it going. I only felt it for a day and I was crawling.

So, there you have it. All you fucking assholes can just go on being assholes and I’ll try my best to replying with a “well… fuck it.”.

You won’t stop annoying me… but letting you go feels so much better than being angry at you that I’ll go with that.

Let’s all enjoy the last weekend of Summer instead.

my girls

Long weekend

Long weekends are wonderful! Now that the girls are sleeping through the night and not on diapers anymore I actually found the time to put on make up – which I swear I hadn’t in YEARS – and smell the rain… I’m telling you, it’s amazing.

We were supposed to visit Quebec city this weekend and boy, was I excited. Except, we ended up not going ’cause my husband’s dad had a change of heart – to make a long story short.

Yeah, I was disappointed. VERY disappointed.

Fine! I was sobbing at one point!

I feel like Quebec city is gonna be our final destination here in Canada. I feel like it’s gonna be home! I can’t wait to go home. I am desperate to go home…

At one point my husband looked at me and said “we should get you your camera”. Which made very little sense through all the sobbing but I knew I had to say “yes”. I mean, I had been waiting to get the stupid camera for at least 17 years.

So, we did and quickly I was “kinda-ok” with postponing our trip indefinitely.

For the rest of the weekend, the 4 of us were trapped in the house, but I didn’t mind.

I studied French as much as I could (I still suck at it) and later I played with my camera as my girls played with their little trains….

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Outside there were beautiful thunders and the bluest skies.

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And then, just like that, Tuesday came and I found myself longing for the next long weekend.

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Done panicking and wishing

When I started this blog I called it “I am not always panicking“. Because I really wasn’t. I enjoyed those 5 minutes between one panic attack and the next.

Later, I learned how to control them.

We moved to Canada and, all our wishes were about to come true. The snow would fall outside as the Christmas lights would reflect on our window.

The snow I had wished for for so long was now a part of my life. A very permanent part, may I add.

But at one point, the wishing was over too.

When this summer came I realized how the rain made me feel. I am not sure it was the colors, the smell or the memories it brought back. It was just a feeling.

One of the wettest summer in the history of Ottawa made me realize something inside me was changing. Drop after drop, my heart became full. I was experiencing this weird new feeling, … this… happiness.

I was done panicking, done wishing. I was about to find my place in this country. I was heading home.

To me, home is a place where you can settle. A place so warm and comfortable you feel relaxed enough to “watch the puddles gather rain“. When you get there, you don’t look forward for the future and you don’t worry… you just enjoy every moment.

So, here’s where I find myself right now. I am happier when it rains. And here’s where you’ll find me for now.

I will dare to use the word “happy” on my blog’s title. I’ll be terrified of jinxing life, but I need to allow myself to knowledge that I am, in fact, happy.  And hopefully, in a while, I will be adding the word “home” to it.

Sorry about the mess,

Shell

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Organizing and the playroom

I am not as perceptive as I’d like to be. For instance, sometimes I know I shouldn’t be doing what I do – work-wise – but I still can’t put my finger on what it is that I SHOULD, in fact, be doing.

That’s why I was so surprised this morning when my boss assigned me something different to do. I’ll basically be organizing a bit more and drawing a bit less.

He said he noticed how much I enjoyed organizing things and, since I was pretty much the only one with excel abilities in the drawing office, I was the person for the job.

He noticed how everyone else’s desk is a mess and everything on mine was perpendicular, separated by color and alphabetized. 

The coolest part is, when he actually said I’d be doing that, I was excited! I hadn’t been excited about work in a while. I mean, I don’t mind it at all, it can be interesting (kinda)… but I do get bored quite easily. Bored, sleepy and hungry actually.

So, yeah, it took a total stranger to suggest something completely obvious.

I am an organizer.

I should know this, since last Monday was a holiday and I deliberately chose to separate my kids’s toys in categories and line them up – which lasted for about a second ’cause… well, they are kids.

Now, people, is THIS a job?

Probably not, but it’s definitely a clue.

Did I create the best, most organized playroom ever? Of course not. But I absolutely liked the way it felt… even though I never finished it! =)

I still have a long way to go and I don’t have the money to do anything fancy , but the girls enjoyed it so much! And OMG so did I!

These little things make me so happy… they make me feel at home! I feel really blessed right now and actually happy. Let’s all hope my stupid grandmother’s spirit doesn’t curse me with bad news just ’cause I actually said the H word…

Let’s review my check list for 2017:

  • everyone is healthy – good.
  • the house is good.
  • work is good.
  • the city NEEDS ADJUSTMENTS! But I’ll get there!

We need to allow ourselves to be happy.

No pressure, I’m learning it myself.

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