That time I realized I was not the problem.

I think every religion has something beautiful to offer and I love learning about them. I was raised Catholic yet, I feel like Spiritism has always given me great an answer to every single complicated religious question I’ve ever asked. Still, as I grew up and learned about myself, I realized I was happiest when mediating and learning about Buddhism.

When you meditate it looks like you are doing nothing… but you are doing everything.

There’s a chance I am actually fascinated by the idea of being high all the time. You know, watching the flowers grow or “the puddles gather rain”, but I wanna believe it’s actually about finding answers.

I wish I could do that. Learn more about myself, this life and our spirits. But, how could I? Really, I am just a slave.

No matter how blue the sky is in the morning and how much I wanna absorb that moment, I’ll just run out of the house, put some make up on the car and sit at the office for 8 hours.

I don’t wanna sit at the office. I wanna breathe. Deeply. I wanna feel the wind and maybe even feel the Earth spin.

I’ll design boats instead.

It’s not my choice.

The fact that I don’t get to chose makes me nervous, keeps me up at night. It’s hard to wake up, so I won’t pack my lunch ’cause I’m late. I’ll just eat something terrible, pricey and grease at work.

I don’t wanna eat that. It’s gonna make me sick. I wanna eat something that doesn’t hurt my stomach. But I was too exhausted to make it and now I am too hungry to not eat.

I go home and I am thinking I really, really wanna go for a walk. Ride my bike. Roller skate. But my legs are bruised and swollen from sitting down all day and eating crap. It hurts to stand up.

I make the girls some dinner instead. They don’t like it. I make something else. They just want tuna. I don’t wanna give them tuna again ’cause they had it yesterday. Fuck it, have some tuna but you are NOT having tuna tomorrow.

I give them a bath, get on the tub with them hoping my legs will hurt a little less. They still hurt.

So, that makes me sad. Shaky. My heart in racing and  can’t put my finger on what’s wrong ’cause you see… there’s really nothing wrong other than the way this society forces me to function. I realize that I am lucky and I realize that we are fine. But I wanted more. I wanna be able to enjoy life and not just work-sleep-repeat.

I think society is making everyone sick and I don’t wanna be another number in those stats.

And that’s what got me thinking about religion. I figured, if society really did make us sick then the Monks, who are not a slave of this system just basically wouldn’t get sick. Right?

Yes, right. Absolutely right, actually. I googled it. They don’t get sick. We do.

Finding that out was pretty amazing for me, the paranoid hypochondriac. It gave me some peace of mind… like… there’s a small chance we are actually in control. There’s a chance the answers to everything that is making us sick in this world are already out there and it is possible to live a more fulfilling life just by slowing down.

Unfortunately, we’ll always need money. Therefore we’ll always succumb to the system.

But slowing down is a start.

Let’s start from there, then.

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