As mothers, all we wanna do is to cuddle with our babies.
When a mother is born, a great fear is born with her. We are afraid of losing our babies and we are also afraid that our babies might lose us way too soon, before they are ready, before they understand what death is.
Death is a big part of the world right now. Therefore, I find myself scared of sending them to school, to concerts, or even to the playground.
Still, this paralyzing fear cannot make me wonder if I should in fact have had children. Nothing could ever change my mind. I was born to be their mom. I knew I’d be afraid. I have always been afraid of everything.
I am a runner who ran away from a place she considered not to be safe for her children. Yet, as I listen to the benefit concert Ariana Grande did for the victims of the attack in Manchester I can’t help but think to myself “is there a safe place”? If there is, can we call just go there?
I know all of us moms would love to be there. This world is not meant for a mother’s heart.
How does a mother who can’t protect her baby in her arms feel? How does a mother who can’t feed her children feel? How does a mother with a sick child feel?
What the fuck is wrong with this world? Actually, what the fuck is right?
People have “unfriend” me on facebook when I moved to Canada. Out of jealousy, maybe. Not the terrorists, the good people. The people who are supposed to “fight” evil.
This is something I’ve learned from my husband and my amazing best friend. I’ve learned to be tolerant, to give people a chance, to just fucking let them be happy – no matter how stupid their accomplishments might seem to you.
But these people can’t do that.
Unhappy people are unable to just let others be. They want everything to be more miserable than they are. That way, they won’t feel like the most miserable people on Earth.
Some people will just envy you, unfriend you from the stupid facebook. Some people will attack our babies and make every mother’s worst fears come to life.
“Terror” is, in fact, a good word to describe it, no wonder they use it.
Right now, I am terrified of life and I don’t know where to run.
I’ve watched the interviews where they asked the children at the Manchester benefit concert “why did you come back?” and they said “because you can’t live in fear. you have to live your life”.
They are right. I have lived in fear for months longer than I can count. Every day I waste worrying about something that is not happening, just afraid of the bad stuff that could happen is a day I did not live.
Fear is a powerful thing.
I hope I can teach my children to not be afraid and to live their lives but for that to happen I guess I should learn how to do that myself.
I wish I knew where to start.