I’ve changed a lot since the days I had recurrent panic attacks for reasons I couldn’t really put my finger on.
I no longer feel my hands and feet going numb while trying unsuccessfully to breathe, even though I knew there was nothing wrong and it was all in my mind.
When the girls came I had no time to freak. Yet, I still did. Except I did it quietly, inside my head while I held them and breastfed them… as if everything was well inside my crazy, crazy mind.
Today, I was scared.
I was afraid of the monsters in my closet, and I wished to be 5 years old again, so my dad could pick me up and protect me from anything that could ever hurt me in this world or the next.
I realized too many people were not around and too many people were gone for good.
I missed my room.
So, I came home from work and the girls were sleeping. Agatha saw me and exclaimed “MOMMY!!!”.
She held me tight, gave me a kiss and touched my face as she whispered words I didn’t quite understand.
I held her tight, so she knew I was protecting her from everything bad in this world. She feels safe in my arms. She is not afraid of anything when I’m there.
She barely knows she is the one making me feel better.