How am I doing?

Woudln’t you like to know how do I feel after moving all the way across the world with my husband and 2 babies, strugling to find a job for 7 months, finding an apartment in one week, moving AGAIN and going back to work after so long?

I know I would.

But I don’t have time process that. I do know I’m nervous and scared. I shiver when I get home and my stomach aches during the day. but I have no time to think about that. I just watch the rashes erupt as a reminder that I’m going through lots of changes all at the same time.

I just scratch them hard, as I try to familiarize with the new place, the new furniture and all the things around me that don’t make me feel at home at all.

It’s a perfect place and I would never consider going back, but I’m still far away from feeling safe.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night I wake up and it takes me a while to understand where I am. I keep thinking ” What place is this? Am I back in Brazil?”.

I tend to do that. Waking up very, very disoriented, I mean.

The other day I dreamt I had 3 babies. I opened my eyes, probably still sleeping, and found myself desperately looking around the bed, trying to find my 3rd baby. It must have taken me a few seconds to actually wake up properly and realize I had in fact only two babies and it had always been that way.

I don’t enjoy the way my mind works. Even when everything is fine, I still get panic attacks.

But I’m a mom now and there’s no one around to help us, so, I’ve lost my right to freak out. It’s dinner time, bath time, time to put them to bed, way pass my own bed time and time to go to work again. That’s all there is to it.

It’s lunch time now and I’ve chosen to write this instead. I was hoping I would begin to understand why I am still so nervous and afraid. I’m not sure it worked at all, but it’s nice to think about myself for a while.

You need time to process changes. Even the good ones. But I have no time to do that.

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