The fear

I’ve had a very, very short conversation with a random person who was walking by, just 15 seconds ago. He has a 14 year old daughter and he was looking for a Christmas present for her.

“It’s just her and me, you know.”

He said that in so much pain, or maybe that’s the way I took it.

When he told me that, I realized there was a young girl out there, growing up without her mom.

There are tons of girls there growing up without their moms, I know. But, still, this fear just took over my body instantly.

I do not want my girls to grow up without me. I believe that’s my biggest fear at this point of my life.

I can’t die right now. Not that I could ever… but it’s a different fear. It’s not the fear of death. It’s the fear of leaving my girl without a mom.

I look carefully to both sides before crossing the streets now and I make different choices.

I wasn’t trying to be hit by a car before I became a mom, but now, I’m just extra careful.

I try not to get too nervous – to the point when I’m shaking.

I try making healthier choices.

I can’t stand the thought of not being here for them until they’re able to make their own choices.

I do not fear for me anymore. I fear for them. But the fear is always there.

This motherhood thing is a pretty crazy one.


It is safe to say that I’ve been waiting my whole entire life for this specific Christmas.

There’s actually a song, by Hanson, called “At Christmas” that pictures a scene I’ve created in my head as the perfect Christmas. It kinda goes :

“The snow is falling down as you step out of your car, presents in your arms, and you’ve travelled far… someone opens the door with a smile on their face and you know you’ve come to the right place…”

And I figured as I listened to that for the past 15 years or so, you know, innocent person that I was, that we’d move to a place like Canada where Christmas is actually during the winter and BAM! that scene would just automatically happen.

I forgot I needed the whole scenario. The car, the presents, and in a even crazier fantasy, the house with the fireplace.

It’s stupid and materialistic. Yes. But day after day it’s just been us inside the house. Skipping thanksgiving and not being able to go for a ride and checking out the Christmas lights or anything. Or even just… go out at all.

The girls didn’t have snow boots and it’s just a whole list of stupid details that need money to be there. I’m glad they are too small to understand it’s Christmas, so, presents aren’t really an issue right now.

Still, we did get a tree, and that just made me really happy. I was not expecting that at all, but I guess my husband realized how much it actually meant to me.

I just wish we were settled, you know? With a job and a routine and not that “Damn… where’re about to enter our fifth month without a pay check”feeling in the air.

It’s still great, though. We’re just going slow on the details.

December 21st. Awesome day. We’ll get it together, I’m sure. Maybe on time for next Christmas…

I’m Small town lover… Or am I?

My husband and I are big on isolating ourselves from the world. Yeah, we like that.

You know that recurrent poirtrait of the house surrounded by nothing but snow you see in frames for sale everywhere? Well, that’s the dream.

Still, last Tuesday we visited Ottawa for the first time.

Our love for isolation and the country house I designed in my head just pretty much went down the drain within 5 minutes.

Maybe we were just excited… ‘Cause the parlament budings are just surreal and overwhelming, but it gave us something to think about! 

As you can tell, I’m awesome with decisions.